Flirting: An Updated Definition
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
“Eh… I don’t and can’t flirt.”
That was me… up until a few years ago.
Perhaps you, too, feel like flirting is something other people do, especially if it’s been a while since you last dated anyone.
Part of the problem was my definition. I had a narrow understanding that matched Merriam-Webster’s:
2a: to behave amorously without serious intent
2b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking
And it didn’t help that my mental image of flirting came from Hollywood characters — smooth, bold, exaggerated.
I didn’t relate to that at all.
Then I Realized I Was, In Fact, Flirting!
When asking servers for menu recommendations, I would playfully ask them what their favorite dish was.
Sometimes I would even tease them with a follow-up question — something playfully nosy like:
“What do you eat for your shift meal?”
“Did you just recommend something you’ve never tried?!”
To me, I thought I was just being clever and friendly.
A few friends pointed out that that was me flirting!
Once I became aware of it, I couldn’t stop noticing it. I started paying attention to how other people typically interact — often more neutral, polite, or reserved.
The more I thought about it, the more I saw what my friends meant — I was building rapport in a flirtatious way.
A New Definition
Now, I argue that most of us are already flirting, whether we know it or not.
I don’t like redefining words (for the obvious reason that relative language is confusing). I’m not trying to appropriate “flirting” into something it was never meant to be. It’s just that:
I haven’t found a better word for what I’m describing
I prefer not to invent a word
And most importantly: many people already use “flirting” this way
So maybe it’s not about redefining it — just recognizing that there are different kinds of flirting.
The same way there are different ways of walking: speed walking, strolling, sauntering, skipping, sidling…
That said, here’s the definition I shared in my webinar:
Flirting is engaging someone with warmth, humor, and curiosity — sometimes with a hint of attraction, always with respect.
It doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual. This applies whether you're on an app, chatting at a coffee shop, or making small talk at a community event. You might flirt with a barista or a neighbor without it meaning anything more than, “Hey, I enjoy talking to you.”
A Quick Primer
Rather than give you scripts, which often feel stiff or rehearsed, let’s build a basic foundation.
Be warm: Make eye contact, smile, and listen.
Be curious: Ask something a little more personal than small talk. Examples:
“Is that your usual go-to?”
“Wait — how did you get into that?”
“Have you always been into [topic they just mentioned]?”
Be playful: Gently tease, use a fun turn of phrase, exaggerate a little.
Be observant: Pay attention to how they respond. If they lean in, smile, or tease back — great! If not, ease off.
As you practice, remember that you’re not trying to get to a specific outcome. Focus on what works and what to improve next time.
Examples of Flirting
Flirting can look like:
Holding eye contact a second longer
Smiling as you talk
Mirroring body language
Leaning in
And it can sound like:
Expressing interest: “Oh, tell me more.”
Implying a desire to do something together: “Invite me next time!” / “I would’ve totally gone with you.”
Asking a playful question: “Wait — you’ve never been to a trivia night?”
Teasing (lightly): “You seem way too confident! I bet you're terrible at trivia.”
Did you see how none of these require a smooth pickup line or seduction?
It’s more about tone, timing, and how you bring a little energy into the interaction.
Get Started!
Try one of these small challenges:
Give someone a sincere compliment
Smile or make eye contact a little longer than usual
Ask a playful or unexpected question
It’ll probably feel silly or awkward at first. In fact, if you don’t feel awkward, then you’re not challenging yourself!
After 20 times, I bet it’ll feel less awkward. The awkwardness may never completely go away, but that’s okay. Because by then, the risk of embarrassment won’t feel as scary. It’ll just be background noise.
About This Series
This article is part of a multi-part series on flirting.
Future articles will cover:
Common concerns and fears
Flirting fails (and how to recover)
How to tell when it’s mutual
Flirting in context (apps, text, in person)
Flirting and consent
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