AMA: Why Do People Ghost?
“Ghosting” is one of the most frustrating experiences in modern dating. You’re having a great conversation, maybe even planning a date, and then… nothing. Radio silence. No explanation. Just a void where there was once potential. So, why does it happen?
Let’s break it down.
It’s Not Always About You
The first thing to understand about ghosting is that it’s rarely personal. Sure, it feels personal when someone you were vibing with disappears, but more often than not, it’s about them — not you. People tend to think there’s either something wrong with the ghoster (they’re rude, inconsiderate, emotionally unavailable) or something wrong with themselves (not attractive, said the wrong thing, too boring).
The truth? It’s hard to know what happened or why.
Common Reasons People Ghost
While it’s impossible to get inside someone’s head, here are a few common reasons ghosting happens:
Loss of Momentum: Life happens. They might get busy with work, personal matters, or other matches. Maybe their initial interest wasn’t strong enough to sustain the connection.
No Sense of Obligation: Some people don’t see ghosting as a problem. To them, ending the conversation isn’t ghosting; it’s just… moving on.
Rejection Is Hard: Let’s face it—most people don’t like rejecting others. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and requires effort.
Explaining Feels Overwhelming: Sometimes, they don’t know how to articulate why they’re not interested. It can feel anxiety-inducing to figure out the “right” way to let someone down.
Avoiding Conflict: Rejections can invite pushback, attempts at persuasion, or emotional reactions. Some people simply don’t want to engage in a conversation that could feel confrontational.
Why Ghosting Hurts
From your perspective, things seemed to be going well. You’re blindsided when they disappear. It’s natural to start replaying every interaction in your head, checking their profile to see if they’re active, debating whether to send a follow-up message. This kind of rumination can take hours or even days. And eventually, you may find yourself cycling through the stages of grief: denial, anger, sadness, and finally, acceptance or resignation.
Part of why ghosting feels so painful is the expectation that online dating is linear. You match, you talk, you meet, and then you date. But the reality is far messier. The start-stop nature of dating apps, with connections fizzling out regularly, can lead to burnout over time.
How to Process Ghosting
If you’ve been ghosted, here are a few ways to process it and move forward:
Acknowledge That It Happens: Ghosting is a common experience in modern dating. It’s not a reflection of your worth.
Reflect on Your Own Standards: Think about why you call it ghosting and why you feel you “deserve” a specific response. Everyone is a stranger until they’re not.
Give Yourself Closure: Closure isn’t something someone else provides; it’s something you create for yourself. Accept that not every match is meant to be.
Don’t Assume: No response is still a response—an implicit “no.” But it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Timing might not be right, or they may not be in the right place to date. You never know.
Focus on What You Can Control: You can’t change how others behave, but you can define your own standards. If you value honesty and communication, embody that in your own interactions.
The Reality of Dating
Dating is inherently vulnerable. It’s an activity filled with highs and lows, just like anything else worth doing. The goal isn’t to avoid the lows but to accept them as part of the process. Every “no” gets you closer to the “yes” that matters.
So the next time you’re ghosted, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that it’s not the end of the world. And remember, someone out there will value and reciprocate your effort. Keep going.
