Noticing the Signs: Green Flags, Red Flags, and Gut Checks When You Meet Someone New
You meet someone new. Maybe it’s an online date. A first date. A new acquaintance. A fellow customer waiting in line for coffee.
At first, everyone is a stranger. So how do you know if they’re someone you want to get to know better — or someone to politely exit stage left?
Let’s talk about green flags, red flags, and how to navigate those tricky in-between moments where your gut says, “Hmm... something’s off,” but you can’t quite name it yet.
Green Flags: Understated, but Powerful Signals
Some people might give you a dazzling first impression, but I argue the best green flags are often subtle. Green flags are about how someone shows up in the moment — here are a few to look for:
Curiosity: They ask thoughtful questions, not just to be polite but because they’re genuinely interested.
Reciprocity: They share about themselves and make space for you to share, too.
Lightheartedness: They don’t take everything (or themselves) too seriously.
Neutral-to-Positive Energy: They don’t need to perform optimism, but you walk away feeling a bit lighter, not heavier.
Remember, green flags are not neon signs flashing, “This person is perfect!” They’re small clues that someone is emotionally available, socially aware, and capable of connection.
Red Flags: Early Indicators That Something Might Be Off
The flip side is just as important, but unfortunately, often dismissed, ignored, or missed..
One-Sided Conversations: They talk at you, not with you. You leave knowing their life story but they barely know your name.
Negative Energy: They are what I call an “energy vampire”. Everything seems to have a dark cloud over it: their ex, their boss, their barista. You feel drained just listening.
Subtle Manipulation: They ask for favors too quickly, push your boundaries, or come across as overly motivated to get something from you — attention, validation, a sale, a date.
Emotional Dumping: They treat you like their therapist, unloading intense feelings with zero context. This isn’t vulnerability — it’s a red flag dressed up as oversharing.
Often, these behaviors hint that someone doesn’t have healthy outlets or relationships elsewhere — and they’re hoping you’ll fill a role you didn’t sign up for.
The Gray Area: Is It a Red Flag or Just a Weird Moment?
Sometimes things feel unclear. Give it time and watch for patterns.
Not every awkward interaction is a red flag. People have off days. Maybe they’re nervous. Maybe they’re hungry. Maybe their dog ate their favorite shoe and they’re still emotionally recovering.
That’s why patterns matter.
If someone interrupts you once, that’s a moment. If they interrupt you five times in thirty minutes and never ask you a question? That’s data.
The best approach is to stay curious — not about them, but about how you feel during and after the interaction.
Your Gut Is a Compass, Not a Verdict
Your gut doesn’t always explain itself, but it’s often pointing to something worth noticing.
We don’t always know why something feels “off.” Maybe the person didn’t do anything overtly wrong. Maybe they were even nice. But something about the interaction made your shoulders tense or your smile feel a little forced.
It’s okay to notice that. You don’t need a courtroom-level burden of proof to trust your intuition.
You can use gut feelings as a prompt to:
Take a pause
Observe more closely
Reflect afterward
Exit gracefully if needed
Strangers can go right back to being strangers. You owe no one continued access to your time or energy.
Tip: Check in With Yourself Often
Want to get better at spotting flags and tuning into your intuition? Start with a simple practice: ask yourself how you’re feeling — before, during, and after an interaction.
Try:
“Am I enjoying this?”
“Do I feel seen and heard?”
“Am I curious to keep talking or eager to wrap this up?”
And remember: the answers may vary based on things like sleep, hunger, environment, or even what your friend said earlier. Biases are real. So is your nervous system. The goal isn’t to make perfect assessments — it’s to notice your patterns over time.
Final Thoughts
Everyone starts as a stranger — notice what unfolds when you pay attention.
Meeting a stranger is an experiment.
When someone is new in your life, the stakes are low. You don’t owe them your trust or your time — only your attention to what’s unfolding in that moment.
Give people the chance to show you who they are. And give yourself permission to notice how you feel in their presence. This is you practicing discernment, not judgment — a skill very much worth practicing often.
