When You’re Doing Everything “Right”, but Still Not Meeting the Right People
You’ve followed all the dating advice.
You’re putting yourself out there, going to events, spending time and money, trying new things, and talking to people.
And yet you’re still not meeting anyone, or at least not someone you actually like.
Frustrating?
Absolutely.
But does it mean something is fundamentally wrong? Not necessarily. Sometimes, the missing piece isn’t effort, but perspective. Let’s break down what might be happening and how to shift gears.
The Hidden Factors at Play
Sometimes the right path isn’t obvious. Hidden factors shape your journey.
Even when you think you’re doing everything “right,” there could be subtle, unseen factors working against you. One of the biggest? The energy you bring to dating. Without getting esoteric, it’s worth noting that when you’re overly focused on finding a relationship, it can make interactions feel transactional, pressured, or even desperate.
People can sense when someone wants something from them — whether it’s attention, validation, or a commitment. Even if they can’t articulate it, they’ll pick up on the vibe. It's understandable to feel burnt out, frustrated, or jaded. However, these feelings can sometimes unintentionally impact how we come across. That’s not a judgment — it’s just human nature. We gravitate toward people who feel good to be around. (Related: Dating Burnout)
It’s Okay to Feel Discouraged
It’s okay to feel discouraged. Dating can be tough, and you’re not alone.
Dating can be exhausting, and if you’re feeling discouraged, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve read books, watched YouTube videos, listened to podcasts, and attended webinars only to feel like nothing has changed.
That frustration is valid. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong or that you’re destined to be alone forever.
It just means this process is hard, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.
Instead of blaming yourself or suppressing those feelings, practice self-compassion.
Dating isn’t just about effort—it’s also about emotional endurance. Take breaks when needed, set boundaries that protect your well-being, and remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to your relationship status. Engaging in hobbies, spending time with friends, or stepping away from dating for a bit can help restore balance and perspective.
Addressing Common Fears
Facing fears is part of the journey. Sometimes, you just have to take the leap.
If you’ve ever thought:
“Everyone my age is already taken.”
“I’m too old to start over.”
“I’m afraid of being vulnerable again.”
“I don’t know how to date in the digital age.”
You’re not alone. These fears are incredibly common, and they can subtly shape how you approach dating. But they’re not insurmountable. The truth is, people find love and connection at all ages and in all circumstances. The key is to shift the focus from fear to possibility.
Mindset Shifts That Can Make a Difference
If you’re in a rut, consider shifting your approach:
Be open to possibility. So what if you meet someone who’s “too young” or “too old”? So what if they seem more like friend material? Every connection has value. Dating is more fun (and effective) when you’re open to seeing where things go rather than categorizing people too quickly.
Revisit your criteria. Are your ‘must-haves’ truly non-negotiable, or are they just strong preferences? A must-have means you can’t live without it. A dealbreaker means you can’t live with it. Everything else? Maybe it’s flexible.
Check in with your own life. Are you someone you’d want to date? Do you have a full, fulfilling life outside of dating? People who are deeply engaged in their own interests, passions, and personal growth tend to be more attractive and magnetic.
Dealing with Dating App Fatigue
Feeling drained from dating apps? It might be time for a reset.
If swiping feels more like a chore than an opportunity, you might be experiencing dating app fatigue. It’s common to feel drained when online dating starts to feel repetitive or unproductive. Instead of forcing yourself to push through, consider:
Taking a break for a week, a month, or longer to reset your mindset and come back with fresh energy.
Switching apps to see if a different platform has a better user base for your needs.
Changing how you use apps instead of swiping endlessly, set a time limit or focus on sending more thoughtful messages.
Exploring offline options, like hobby-based groups or social events, to meet people in a more natural setting.
Dealing with the Pain of Rejection
Rejection is tough, and no matter how confident or experienced you are, it can sting. The key is to remember that rejection is not a reflection of your worth — it’s just part of the process of finding the right connection. Instead of internalizing it, try these approaches:
Reframe it. Rejection is just redirection. If someone isn’t interested, it simply means they weren’t the right fit for you.
Normalize it. Everyone experiences rejection, even the most attractive, successful, and confident people. It’s part of the human experience.
Feel your feelings, but don’t dwell. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but don’t let it define your journey. Give yourself time to process, then move forward.
Stay engaged with your own life. The more fulfilled you are outside of dating, the less a single rejection will shake you.
Small Changes, Big Results
Small shifts can lead to big results — one change at a time.
Sometimes, a tiny shift in approach can change everything.
One Date Lab member tended to overanalyze every step of the dating process. I suggested he take it one interaction at a time instead of trying to predict where things would go. This allowed him to slow down, genuinely enjoy meeting new people, and notice both red and green flags at a natural pace.
Are You Actually Doing the “Right” Things?
Taking a step back and reflecting on patterns can lead to new insights.
If you feel stuck, consider assessing your strategy:
Look for patterns. Are the same types of people or situations repeatedly not working out for you? That might signal an adjustment is needed.
Get outside perspective. A friend, coach, or even an old match (if appropriate) can provide insights you might be missing.
Check your emotional energy. If dating feels exhausting or frustrating, that energy might be affecting your interactions. Maybe it’s time to take a break and reset.
Re-evaluate your strategy. Instead of doubling down on the same methods, try a new app or take a break from apps altogether. Change up how and where you meet people.
Lead with curiosity, not expectation. Instead of focusing on whether someone checks all your boxes, aim to simply enjoy getting to know them.
The Difference Between Those Who Struggle and Those Who Succeed
It’s easy to feel like there’s some secret formula to success in dating, but the truth is, everyone’s journey looks different. One common pattern, though, is that people who find fulfilling relationships tend to be optimistic, resilient, and engaged in their own lives.
That doesn’t mean they never struggle, get frustrated, or feel rejected. It just means they approach dating with curiosity instead of pressure. They understand that setbacks are part of the process, not an indication of failing. And they know that the right connection isn’t something you “earn” by following a set of rules — it’s something that unfolds over time.
So if you’re feeling stuck, try focusing less on the end goal and focusing more on what makes you feel good, fulfilled, and excited about life. That energy will naturally carry into your connections.
What If You Feel Like You’re “Failing” at Dating?
Progress isn’t always fast, but every step moves you forward.
First, let’s be clear: You’re not failing.
Dating isn’t a test with right or wrong answers — it’s a process, and sometimes, it takes longer than we’d like. If you’ve been putting in the effort but aren’t seeing the results you hoped for, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you haven’t met the right person yet.
Instead of focusing on what’s not working, take a moment to recognize what is working.
Have you learned more about what you want?
Have you had great conversations, even if they didn’t lead to something long-term?
Have you become more comfortable putting yourself out there?
Those are all wins worth celebrating. Dating isn’t just about finding someone — it’s also about growing as a person and learning how to build meaningful connections.
First, remember that failure is a mindset, not a reality. As Shakespeare put it, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
If dating feels like a struggle, take a step back and reflect.
What’s going well?
What’s not?
What could you try differently?
What could you let go of?
I encourage you to be the dynamic person you can be: adapt, adjust, and keep moving forward.
Meeting people should not be about checking off boxes or winning a game. It’s about exploration, connection, and seeing what unfolds. So if you feel stuck, maybe it’s not that you’re doing something wrong — maybe it’s just time for a new perspective.
Need More Support?
If you’re feeling stuck and want personalized guidance, I offer 1:1 coaching to help you gain clarity, confidence, and a fresh approach to dating. Whether it’s refining your mindset, improving your profile, or navigating conversations, I can help.
If you'd like to explore these ideas further and receive personalized support, consider exploring 1:1 coaching. It can be a powerful way to gain clarity and confidence in your dating journey.
If you’re ready to see how I can help you, book a free call now.
Not sure if coaching is for you? Learn more about it.
